Here we go again. Aunt Judy is going to nag, nag, nag her daughter about the fact she is working full time while her kids are still in school. The uncles are all going to come tromping in after a morning of hunting and start in on those “left wing gun control nuts” – a tirade that gets louder and louder with each drink. The progressive bunch of cousins will be lobbing impeachment bombs across the table at everyone, while the elders rote-repeat political promises given four years ago that they want to be true.
Another Thanksgiving to dread. Who will be the first to slam out the door while yelling at everyone all the way to the car? How long will we be able to eat in relative peace before someone flies off the handle?
If you are worried about the personal and political dynamics around your own family’s table this Thanksgiving, try not to despair. There are proven strategies for dealing with conversational land mines among family and loved ones. When I say “proven,” I mean that real people like you and me have sat with people of widely different political values, used these strategies, and found the ideas immensely helpful.
- Set up a “listening area” off by itself. Put a sign there so people know what that space is for, something like, “I want to hear your thoughts about gun control.” Just two or three comfy chairs set up in a quiet corner should do.
This past summer, I stood on my town common with posters like that, asking passers-by to please come talk to me about issues such as Black Lives Matter, gun control, and immigration. I made it plain on the town Facebook page that I am a progressive and I wanted to talk about the issues, not the politicians, and I wanted to talk to folks who held more conservative viewpoints.
It was a wonderful experience. People who intended to stop by for a few minutes ended up sitting down and talking with me one-on-one for an hour. The conversations were respectful, interesting, and informative.
It’s easy to assume that people on the opposite side of an issue don’t think about it just as often and as hard as you do. I learned that most of our neighbors and friends think deeply about these issues, regardless of which policies they support.
When you say, “I would like to talk to you about this issue,” you are sending a message that it is right and appropriate for people who have different beliefs to engage in meaningful conversation, and to be listened to. Being listened to is like getting a whole body massage – relaxing, uplifting, renewing.
It is vital that the listener be committed to listening, rather than using the opportunity to shoot verbal ping pong balls back at the talker, rather than trying to win an argument. Listeners show their attention to the other by paraphrasing what the speaker is saying, showing that they have been listening. “So you are saying that. . .,” ”I heard you say ______. Is that right?” Or ask probing questions. “What if X happened? How would you feel about that?”
Change the signs over the course of the day if you want, to get at different issues that are simmering in the family stew pot. It almost doesn’t matter which issues you pick. During my conversations on the common, I found that being a good listener led people to bring many other topics into the discussion and to talk about those things as well.
- When you find yourself one-on-one with someone who stands on the opposite side of one of the great divides in this country right now, ask the person what stereotypes s/he thinks you have about them (meaning people on the other side of the divide). Be a good listener.
Ask if there are any parts of those stereotypes that are close to the truth. Ask what the real truth is.
Then tell the person what stereotypes you think they have of you (meaning people who share your point of view). Be willing to say which parts of those stereotypes might have some truth to them. Identify the parts that are accurate.
This is one of the best ideas I have come across for establishing a non-threatening time to talk. I found the idea among the materials used by a group called Better Angels. They organize day-long workshops all over the country to help people who identify as conservative, or red, talk to people who identify as progressive, or blue, and vice versa. According to their web site, their goal is to depolarize America and help people find common ground.
- Ask the person you want to have a real conversation with to name his/her three or four most important issues or concerns. Encourage the person to talk about why they think each of these issues or concerns is important for the country.
I’m borrowing this idea from my friend Rob, who is a liberal living among staunchly conservative friends. One time when he and his husband were going out to dinner with a favorite couple who had been particularly vocal in their support of the current administration, he asked them to participate in this exercise. The point, he told them, was to talk about the issues, not about politicians or parties.
“The husband picked Social Discord & Inability to Communicate; Decaying Infrastructure; Economy. The wife picked Climate Warming; Inadequate Health System; Gun Control. I picked Defense; Inadequate Health System; Erosion of Civil Rights. What was surprising was that the “conservatives” had several issues that would usually be considered a “liberal” issue while I, the “liberal,” had a “conservative” issue – Defense. . . By keeping the discussion as fact-based as possible and not putting any of us on a defensive position in any way, we were able to agree on so much more than we disagreed. We then had a pleasant evening based on all that we agreed on, rather than what was previously seen as issues that divided us.”
This approach gets people thinking about why their ideas are good for the country, why their values would make us better citizens or move us forward on the issues of the day. Just listening to one another reflecting aloud on why we want this and not that changes us – changes our perceptions of and attitudes towards “the other.”
When we listen, we are reaching out in order to understand different viewpoints. Reaching out diminishes fear of “the other.” As fear is diminished, the sense of separation fades, bringing us together again.
The common thread in all of these strategies is listening. If you can make it plain that you are willing and eager to listen, to hear what is of concern to a person with different convictions than your own, that’s all that matters. Once you are comfortable with the role of a good listener, you won’t need to contrive situations like these.
